i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
