for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
