I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
