the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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