Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
