Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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