took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
