The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
