and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
