My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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