peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
