blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
