Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
