I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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