Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
