five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
