I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
it's like heaven, but drunker
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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