And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
