I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
