I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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