At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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