got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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