Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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