so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
