I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
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