sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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