nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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