i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
