Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
