And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
