if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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