But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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