How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Randomize
