she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
