I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
