i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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