I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
