i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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