I think I am morally bankrupt
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
