I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
