so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Randomize
