When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
