you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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