that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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