My friends, they love my intelligence
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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