I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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