Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
