Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
