You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
