Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
