I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
