I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize