dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
