How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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