I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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